Grazing past my ears, the sounds of wind whisper the whinings of a dark lore, of the voices that have echoed inside of me over the years, making me wither and shiver in pain that now seems familiar. Living a life that might be a dream to many, the pretentious has its own set of struggles. Behind the mask lies the loneliness that few know and even lesser have suffered. Behind this camouflage lies the bare skin of a being, that still lives the nightmares of desolation. Having barely two souls to count on, who will hold me through the storm carrying me away, I feel as accustomed as aggrieved by this state of mine. With having no one to voice these thoughts of mine, all I have is this palette to bleed my words on, words that hardly have any meaning and are as good unwritten as they are when typed. With the security that hardly anyone who should be reading this will get to read this (or maybe a regret; it’s hard to tell), I can bleed raw without staining the clean sheets of a mood of the people I have given my all for.
The wind that’s singing an eerie tune makes me uncomfortable, as if someone is trying to talk to me out of my desolation, but having being accustomed to these unsung emotions, it feels strange, strange to even trust an uncanny emotion that my imagination provides to the winds, uncomfortable to ever open up to someone, talk about the daunting experience that my life has become when a single soul goes to sleep, leaving me alone to my world of loneliness. The words are as good as my tears now, they both have abandoned me as have the humans that were close to me. No reason to believe that I haven’t been at fault, and I being ready to apologize for all of it, provided I get the people I had back in my life, just in exchange for an answer – an answer explaining the part where I faltered. I am no superhuman, I do falter, but leaving me alone isn’t the best solution. Being punished for faults that didn’t even remotely involve me, breaks me down. And it being over six years when this first happened and I happened to loose the first important set of people to me, I still haven’t come to terms to myself. Maybe change has always been the order of the day, and I lack it’s acceptance, or maybe at times my strength needs to falter to plug the holes in the wall around me. And that’s what I exactly am afraid of, building a wall so high that I, myself am unable to climb out of it and on a little introspection, this phenomenon does explain a lot about my behavior.
Friendship needs trust. New relations need sharing. I having lost enough people already am not ready to lose my guard to trust someone, to share parts of me. Or maybe am too afraid to be judged, which won’t directly affect me but I can’t suffer anymore alienation.