The Purples of Loneliness

Swept away in the conundrum of  memories crafted and handpicked to be stored in the pockets of emotions, over the years, dawning over me is a wave of nostalgia. A wave unlike any other that makes me believe that unlike now, I used to have friends. Friends whom I wanted to talk to, who I knew would be the there when I need them the most, but at this moment, all I can say I have is Turmoil. The confusion that the mind makes you believe you face, when you are in the clearest state of your mind – clear enough to show that you are all alone in this world, and all you have with you is a bucketful of memories that will eat you on the inside.

Living in a land that’s as distant from friends as I am close to a collapse, I am killed by the demons of hope. Hope that I might discover a new beginning at the time when we all actually face the end, or as optimistic ones choose to say  – A New Beginning. I used to be optimistic to say the least, but in a place where you are as alone as you can feel with the bustle of the people around you, you are bound to go into this turmoil and give yourself a false spark which is then magically transformed into a true slap on the face of hope, by the people whom I thought were my all, whom I thought would be with me till the end. It’s not that they are unaware, or maybe they choose to be. At a time, when people try to make memories, all I am doing is trying to find one, trying to find one chance to be memorable.

Maybe, I should have realized, that I was a fool, trying to find fragments of the lost relations; simply because there hardly are any left, they were all washed away in the tide of time where MY PEOPLE, the very same set of people I used to measure infinities with, found newer sets of souls maybe, the one’s better than me, the one’s who might not be in a state as miserable as me, might not be as alone as me? Am I right people? Addressed to the very same set of people who I thought would stay.

Enough of this serious shit, lets talk about the funny side of it! I wasn’t involved in any split up in that happened among these people who were like a dream come true for me. Well, on the face I am termed as the best of friends, maybe I did try to be one or maybe I tried a little to much, ’cause in that moment, I lost it all.. lost all the relations  and here I am, while you people enjoy your new set of friends, here I am amidst strange faces, entangled in stranger bonds, weak, feeble, broken and torn – All of the things that don’t define me.  Spoken, I might have about this strange new paranoia of mine, but yeah I am afraid, afraid to be friendly to anyone, afraid to be real, afraid to trust – because I never know when I might have to loose it all, when I might become the worst foe from the best friend.

Friendless – One word to sum up my state for the past few months; No one to talk to, no one to travel with, no one to go out with, no one to share with, no one to see the real me, and now is a seemingly a good time to wave off to each of you, a simple wave off to hope, maybe I might be blamed for trying a little too less, but as of now I wish I could have had friends that I had a couple of years ago, the one’s who actually felt me (or did you?).

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