With the guitar riffs screeching in my ears, all I feel is a conundrum, to focus on the very task at hand…to let loose the demons eating me on the inside. People say I am a strong fellow, a man who can dive deep into the minds of the people around me, letting them out of their agony of facing their unspoken monsters and in the process, all that I lost was an ability – an ability to shoot down the demons hiding inside of me.
With, exams looming right above my head, in this diaspora of thoughts, diverging out from my loneliness is a banter I never jeered, but now when face to face with it, all I feel is the chill, the chill translating into a hazy space of red. Anger and irritation have taken over the so called emotions of love and empathy. The demons buried years back in the timeline of my life, begin to surface and the world around me comes crashing down on me. I used to explain, overthinking hurts, that we should speak out our fears and thoughts before the thoughts are converted to our tormentors, the unsaid tormentors, but that’s where I’m stuck – who do I share this state of madness, whom do I speak to? Friends and relatives might be the obvious answer. Friends are one entity of my life that I can say, that I have plentiful, but after facing their demons, does anyone have the time for me? In their state of newfound happiness, people who are the closest to me remember the mistakes, not even a figure of speech representing the endless nights I gave up my sleep, just so that they can sleep in their comfort zone, ,might sound a little too unreal, but this is who I am, and this is whom I regret to be, ’cause in the end, its your mistakes that count.
In this delusional state, with tears trickling down my eyelids is a human – yes “Human”, with emotions and pains, who was killed by his selflessness, wearing or more like feigning nothing but a smile, with the people whom he called friends not even aware if he is alive or not, not even noticing that the place where they walk past laughing, is a man whom they confided in, when they needed him, and now – I am a blank space in their life. You might deny this, but think deeper, are you really even faintly concerned about what I might be doing in this lonely room, in the dark? Or no maybe. I might not even be needing it, I am the strong one apparently. I am the shoulder that’s meant to handle pain and tears but you do forget, that this above this shoulder is a head, that’s not yet beheaded, with a mind, whose monsters you never faced; with eyes, that cried your tears but never shred light on his pain!
PS: No particular references. Just a random piece of my mind when bespeckled with teardrops!